I let myself forget.

Two summers ago (2008) I had the fantastic opportunity to go to Louisiana for six weeks and work at a summer day camp. Most of the kids were African American. In fact, there were probably a total of 2 white kids at the camp. Not being there in the moment, I can say that I loved every minute of it.

But when I was there, there were hard days. It was challenging because the group I went with had expectations of what it "should" have been like. And that is not what happened. We had to step outside of our comfort zones and honestly I held on to my pride way too much during this experience.

Some days were hard though because being one of the white people in this group I was always told that I had the "good" hair. And it just broke my heart that society has placed such emphasis on white being what is the normal beauty.

These were my constant companions for six weeks. They made me rethink the stereotypes that exist.

I fell in love on this trip. I fell in love with the kids that just wanted attention. And while it was hard and taxing, I just wanted all these kids to know that they were beautiful and loved, but I knew I couldn't get too involved because six weeks is only 42 days. And while God can flood the earth for forty days, I couldn't change the way the little kids thought about themselves in the same amount of time.

And, recently, I am realizing that I forgot all that I learned on this trip.

I'm preparing to go to Chicago this summer and they have recommended some books to read. One book is called "There Are No Children Here" by Alex Kotlowitz and "Real Hope in Chicago" by Wayne Gordon.

Kotlowitz's book follows the lives of two boys through the late 1980's in Chicago, Illinois as they grow up in the Henry Horner public housing homes. As I read through the book there were probably 20 deaths of individuals younger than 20. The squalor of where they lived would have been cause to condemn the place, but no housing authority gave a crap.

Gordon's book is about his white family living in an all African American community in Chicago (Lawndale) and starting a church and seeing a change in the community and so on. (I'm not done with this book yet, but so far I really like it).

But reading these books has made me realize how cushy my life is. I know I am more or less in a transitioning stage and really just relying on my parents as I get done with schooling. But really, what am I doing with my life? Am I going to be satisfied with the so-called "american dream" of a family, a house and a job?

Yeah. I don't know.

I'm just glad my sisters have kids so my mom won't ever need to pressure me for grandkids.